What does it look like to be BRAVE?

First I’d ask that you take one moment and send all those impacted by the latest hurricane (whether in our community or wherever Milton hits) your love and strength.

Second, this got me thinking. How can you support someone in your life who is going through it? Whether the hurricane is literal or metaphorical, whether it’s professional or personal, how do you skillfully offer support but not overstep or stress yourself out in the process?

Unfortunately I am intimately familiar with loss after a hurricane. Our home was hit by Hurricane Sandy not long after losing Dad — loss on top of loss. Feeling all of those emotions rush back as we track Milton made me realize that it might have been yet another thing that pushed me toward creating and sharing BRAVE — because I needed it.

I wasn’t consciously aware of it, but what I so desperately wanted were people around me that knew HOW to listen to me if I wanted to share my experience. I innately knew I needed to get it out so I could start moving forward. All I was aware of back then was that no matter who I turned to, both after Dad and after Sandy, I was usually frustrated by their response to me. Maybe you’ve experienced this? You turn to someone when you’re navigating a challenge, because we’re social animals and that’s just what we do, and somehow afterward, you feel worse. Ugh. Was it me? Was it them? Or could there really be a “right” way to listen when you want to be genuinely supportive to others? Spoiler alert: there is.

From childhood experiences, I knew that you could activate or deactivate stress by the way you listened to someone, even just by the way you looked at someone. But it was more of a gut feeling than a reverse engineered process at that point. Now I know there’s science behind this, too. This is where the structure of BRAVE came from. And it’s what we teach in BRAVE programs. So what that look like in practice??

NOT BRAVE vs BRAVE

If you asked me what “skillful support” looked like back then, I may not have had the vocabulary to give you the answer I can today. But I sure as heck knew what DIDN’T work for me. Here are five responses that were well intentioned but drove me absolutely CRAZY [along with a BRAVE way to respond instead]:

B —

Them: “So, I went ahead and did ___ for you.”

THIS IS NOT BEING PRESENT.

How it made me feel: I know you have good intentions, but my head screams, oh so you think I need your help?? Like I’m incapable of doing this myself?! Stop. I got this. I don’t need you to do it for me, I’m an adult. Go away.

On the flip side, here is what it sounds like for them to BE PRESENT:

“Wow, that sounds hard, but you got this! What do you think is the best first step? And also, know that I’m here to help, if you need.”

R —

Them: “I did __ when that happened to me. You should try it. It worked better than (what you’re doing)”

THIS IS NOT RAPPORT.

How it made me feel: Again, good intentions but you don’t know my entire situation, so please refrain from a) telling me that what I did was wrong and b) trying to be the hero and prove how great you are. Again, please go away.

On the flip side, here is what it sounds like to build RAPPORT:

“I’m sure whatever you’re doing is the best you can. How can I be there for you? Do you want to talk about what’s working vs not working? Do you just want to vent? Do you want ideas?”

A —

Them: “I know, right?! I have a similar story. Here’s what happened to me…”

THIS IS NOT ACTIVELY LISTENING.

How it made me feel: thanks for (I guess) trying to make me feel like someone understands me, but I don’t really want to hear your whole story right now. I just need to be in mine.

On the flip side, here is what it sounds like to ACTIVELY LISTEN:

“I hear you. You seem pretty down. Is there anything I can do to lighten your load? I’d love to support you if you’d like that.”

V —

Them: “It’ll be fine, don’t make such a big deal about it. It’s not so bad. I have so many problems, too - like…” And then listing them… all.
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THIS IS NOT VULNERABILITY

How it made me feel: Thank you for invalidating my experience. Ugh. I don’t have the bandwidth for my own life right now, please don’t share your issues with me, even if you mean well. I don’t want to commiserate, I want to move forward and hearing about all of your challenges is not helping.

On the flip side, here is what it sounds like to hold VULNERABILITY:

“I can see why this is hard for you. I can imagine that I’d feel similar in your situation. I’m here for you.”

E —

Them: “Well, at least (insert silver lining here).”

THIS IS NOT EMPATHY.

How it made me feel: I don’t need you to find the bright side, thanks. Although I appreciate your positivity, I will find it on my own when I’m ready. And again, please go away.

On the flip side, here is what it sounds like to show EMPATHY:

“This seems really important to you. I’d love to know more about your experience of it. Will you tell me more?”

What resonated?

What I tend to hear from leaders is that one of these in particular stood out. Take note of that! I’d love if you’d hit reply and share it with me!!

If you’re familiar with BRAVE, you probably saw that the 5 don’ts and how they are the exact opposite of BRAVE from a mile away. But, we’re all human, and when we’re stressed out, we have blindspots in our communication. We don’t mean for it to happen, it just does. It’s hard to always respond BRAVE-ly, but the goal isn’t perfection, it’s to know what good looks like. And to hold yourself to an ever higher standard, because that’s just who you are. You’re the kind of person who isn’t perfect (no one is), but who wants to keep growing and evolving. You want to be as good of a role model as you can and be part of the reason why the people around you grow and evolve, too. So, review this every once in a while - particularly when you need to support someone. Or maybe review this and then support someone BRAVE-ly on purpose. :)

That’s who you are. Someone who leads BRAVE-ly, ON PURPOSE.